During my freshman year of college, I experienced a great deal of disappointment and hurt as a result of relationships I had with men. Because of the pain I went through, I made the decision early on that I was going to start living my life "like a guy." In my mind, this entailed making no commitments, having no relationships, and never allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I was sick of getting hurt, so I became the predator in all my trysts. I clubbed, partied, and drank like a fish - all in the name of not wanting to be used anymore. I fell into the clutches of sexual addictions and pornography. As a result of my lifestyle, I ended up having quite a few abortions.

Once I graduated from college, the years I had spent suppressing my emotions began to overtake me. I became addicted to a lengthy list of prescription drugs for the various emotional issues I had - depression, anxiety, etc. All of the different drugs caused mayhem in my system, resulting in sleeplessness, as well as a host of other physical problems. My doctor just continued to write out prescriptions for each new issue I had. Eventually, I couldn't function without a cocktail of at least 3 or more drugs in my system on a daily basis. All those years of partying and trying to think, act, and live "like a guy" had left me emotionally bankrupt and empty.

I tried to kill myself dozens of times because I couldn't deal with the faces and the memories that haunted my every waking moment. However, my medications would only upset my stomach when I tried to overdose. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that there was no point in killing myself because no one loved me anyway, so no one would care that I was dead. Thus, I was left with no recourse for the misery I was living through.

In my loneliness and desperation, I reasoned that perhaps I would be better off if I were in a relationship, and so I found a man. Shortly thereafter, he began to abuse me both physically and verbally. My depression and loneliness only became worse. I cried myself to sleep constantly, because I was so disgusted with myself. I didn't value myself at all - and the only thing I thought I had to offer was sex...

Throughout the entire course of my twenties, something inside kept telling me that there had to be something more. I was miserable and unhappy, I had no friends, and I was estranged from my family. I was also paranoid, which led to my experiencing numerous anxiety attacks. God began speaking to me at this time, and this was hard for me to accept. I had been raised in a Baptist church all of my life, and I had only a vague "fire and brimstone" memory of a wrathful God. I had never been taught about His loving side.

When God began speaking to me, He showed me that He was with me, that He loved me, and that He had kept His protective hand over me throughout my darkest years. Out of sheer curiosity, and a desire to know more about this side of God, I bought a Bible. As I began reading from it each day, I felt progressively more stable. Having finally kicked my prescription drug habit, I was able to comprehend with sobriety the words that I was reading. I look back at that Bible today, and I can see all of the places where I marked pages and highlighted scriptures. I hadn't recommitted my life yet, but God was working on me - I no longer thought I was hearing voices or going crazy, as my doctors had previously supposed. I was still in a very abusive relationship, which only grew worse when my boyfriend found out that I was studying God's word and trying to change. I kept praying and believing that God would give me the courage, strength, and direction to find my way out.

Slowly, but surely, God began to put the pieces of my life back together as I surrendered myself to Him. I finally broke up with my abusive boyfriend, got a new job, moved into an affordable apartment, bought a nice little car, and began talking to my family again. One thing I was lacking, however, was fellowship. I really needed women in my life—godly women. I had never really had female friends before, but somehow, I knew that I needed strong, faithful women in my life to provide good, solid counsel for me.

I came to the Fusion Young Adult Service at Victory one night, not knowing what to expect. I was very skeptical that first night; nevertheless, I returned the following week. The 2nd time I returned, I signed up for a Fusion community group. Mine was a group of single women around my age. The first week I went, I immediately felt at ease with these women, and I found that I was able to share my entire testimony with them—down to the most shameful detail. I grew so much as a result of the ministry and counsel I received from the women in my group. Not only that, but I was also able to help other women whose experiences had been similar to my own. Through prayer, meditation on the scriptures, and fellowship with other godly women, I was becoming the beautiful, pure woman that God had always intended for me to be.

God has continued to change me over the years, and my family and friends who knew me before I came to Christ are amazed by what God has done in my life. Since I came to Victory, I have also met and married a wonderful man. He has shown me what true love on earth can be like, and God has used him to alter my perception of men completely. I am no longer the bitter, cynical, miserable woman I used to be. I've become a brand new person in Jesus Christ, and I love Him more and more each day for the incredible hope, joy, and peace that He has brought into my life.

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